Terry A Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 The birds don’t sing like they used to it is alright It is all our world things go away You went away. The sound of you gone fills the currents where bird song used to be And the dew still comes relieving the pressure of sun blasted fever Couds drifting over me in days lost to chatter Second-thoughts honey-creeping along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 Hi Terry, I am reading a world shaped by absence, perspective filtered by the internal landscape, a qualitative difference defined by experience. The external reality of nature exists, but not how the individual lived that world. Quote Clouds drifting over me in days lost to chatter I found those lines particularly meaningful. best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 That is an amazing piece of work. Very modern, very well composed. Enjoyed! Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted July 15 Author Share Posted July 15 Phil, it's sort of that. The internal landscape finding some tentative representation in the natural world, helps to lessen how cemented to the ground spirit can be. dr_con, what a compliment, I thank you. Not related- The assassination attempt of Donald Trump yesterday now dominates news. Commented by some as mythic, his survival now shapes what is coming. And some say his stance, shows the power he gathers, as seen in all hero myth, to vanquish his enemies. Or as millions believe, to vanquish the death-cults and their heavy hand on the future. Trump is no plaster saint, that is what some cannot forgive. but through-out history, no plaster saint ever filled the role he now has before him. We do not live in ordinary times anymore. And it is, indeed, a privilege to be here. Writers have all the material ever needed for a modern Iliad and Odyssey, if we could but view it from a great enough perspective. Outcome, I do not know, but I wait to see if the sleeping giant that is the U.S, will get off its knees. And if Divine Providence will show its Hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 On 7/14/2024 at 8:59 PM, Terry A said: The birds don’t sing like they used to it is alright It is all our world things go away You went away. The sound of you gone quickening the currents where bird song used to be And the dew still comes relieving the pressure of sun blasted fever Clouds drifting over me in days lost to chatter Second-thoughts honey-creeping along. Didn't notice the typo on 'clouds'! Not sure about 'creeping', but haven't thought of an alternative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted July 15 Author Share Posted July 15 Phil- Well that's plain shabby posting- I didn't notice the spelling mistake. I'll correct it just so I don't feel like a loon,. The honey creeping, it serves a couple of purposes- The typical honeycreepers form a genus Cyanerpes of small birds in the tanager family Thraupidae. They are found in the tropical New World from Mexico south to Brazil. They occur in the forest canopy, and, as the name implies, they are specialist nectar feeders with long curved bills. Though knowing that doesn't add much sense to the poem. And the reader shouldn't have to know that, but I couldn't resist the metaphor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 Very nice work. I think the first half is stronger than the second which gets a bit tangled compared to the clarity of the first half. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 Thank you Poemme for the comments. I’ll review this poem after some time has passed to see if I should change a few things. And will comment on your poems when I can. Too sun baked right now, it is unseasonably hot, not weather to my liking for doing anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted August 4 Share Posted August 4 Hi Terry, I agree with Poemme about the clean, just-forceful-enough lines of the first half of the poem. The second part loses some of that immediacy in the use of -ing words, especially with "relieving THE pressure" after the opening declarative phrase about the dew. On 7/14/2024 at 12:59 PM, Terry A said: ... And the dew still comes relieving the pressure of sun blasted fever Couds drifting over me in days lost to chatter Second-thoughts honey-creeping along. I would like to see what happens for the reader if those final seven lines are reduced to four or five. Definitely keep the honey-creeper symbol and action. Nice! - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted August 5 Author Share Posted August 5 Thanks David! Will see if I can fine-tune the final version of this poem. Your presence is always welcome on the forum. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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