Poemme Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 He hadn’t slept all night and the rum was finished The crows in the trees behind him started up calling to each other across the trees. They were quick and smart smarter than my son he said aloud to no one he got a girl pregnant then left her but he’d done that himself. A man has to demand attention he said that but he never could it didn’t matter much but things might have been different. The red tailed hawk was calling out edgy on his nerves tangled in anger and regret he thought it was winter coming that kept him up all night the way the light crept away and the night came in after The night never liked him he knew that, the way it came through the door the way the windows went black and he saw his face pale and scared. Some early morning swimmers heads down stroking across the silver water Yesterday a bull shark came in below the footbridge hunting the mullet and stingray then later the dolphins rushing in and chasing fish There was the girl that sometimes swam here wrapped up warming in a towel her hair went white in the sun the way the water went white when the light bounced of the surface. He talked to her once about how the mullet will sometimes nibble on her ankles. A boy drowned there in the summer his mother didn’t notice and someone saw his little body at the bottom. he didn’t understand that but it happened anyway. The rum was still working and his bad leg wasn’t so bad that was all he wanted that things might not be so bad. Sometime when the breeze came up he fell asleep and the gulls came in careful where they landed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 A beguiling read P. At times I lost the thread due to lack of punctuation, but perhaps you wanted to infuse the poem with a sense of rum drift! Particularly liked the mullet nibbling detail and 'the light crept away'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 1 minute ago, badger11 said: A beguiling read P. At times I lost the thread due to lack of punctuation, but perhaps you wanted to infuse the poem with a sense of rum drift! Particularly liked the mullet nibbling detail and 'the light crept away'. Which parts did you get lost in due to lack of punctuation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 3 hours ago, Poemme said: He hadn’t slept all night and the rum was finished The crows in the trees behind him started up calling to each other across the trees. They were quick and smart smarter than my son he said aloud to no one he got a girl pregnant then left her but he’d done that himself. A man has to demand attention he said that but he never could it didn’t matter much but things might have been different. The red tailed hawk was calling out edgy on his nerves tangled in anger and regret he thought it was winter coming that kept him up all night the way the light crept away and the night came in after The night never liked him he knew that, the way it came through the door the way the windows went black and he saw his face pale and scared. Some early morning swimmers heads down stroking across the silver water Yesterday a bull shark came in below the footbridge hunting the mullet and stingray then later the dolphins rushing in and chasing fish There was the girl that sometimes swam here wrapped up warming in a towel her hair went white in the sun the way the water went white when the light bounced of the surface. He talked to her once about how the mullet will sometimes nibble on her ankles. A boy drowned there in the summer his mother didn’t notice and someone saw his little body at the bottom. he didn’t understand that but it happened anyway. The rum was still working and his bad leg wasn’t so bad that was all he wanted that things might not be so bad. Sometime when the breeze came up he fell asleep and the gulls came in careful where they landed. I've italicized one area P. Sometimes you use full stops and other times you don't? You have a full stop after 'bottom', but then don't capitalise the next sentence? I know some poets prefer line breaks and use of space rather than punctuation 'litter'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 12 minutes ago, badger11 said: I've italicized one area P. Sometimes you use full stops and other times you don't? You have a full stop after 'bottom', but then don't capitalise the next sentence? I know some poets prefer line breaks and use of space rather than punctuation 'litter'. Oh, I think that’s probably lack of attention more than a plan. Italics: do you mean they should be in italics? Edit: can I adjust line spacing once it’s uploaded here? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 No, I was just highlighting an area that confused me. Some thoughts... They were quick and smart smarter than my son. He said aloud to no one, "he got a girl pregnant then left her" but he’d done that himself. or "They were quick and smart smarter than my son," he said aloud to no one. He got a girl pregnant then left her, but he’d done that himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 Last one is more accurate. But … I like the lines to be a bit swampy and ambiguous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 Swampy Like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terry A Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 Just saw the movie ‘Where do the Crawdads Sing” and the poem is a good distillation of it sort of. Accidental? Agree with Phil about the line breaks. The read is improved by his suggestions. Ambiguity can be pleasant or unpleasant, when unpleasant it signifies hiding places or evasion. And most have had enough of evasion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 8 hours ago, Terry A said: Just saw the movie ‘Where do the Crawdads Sing” and the poem is a good distillation of it sort of. Accidental? Agree with Phil about the line breaks. The read is improved by his suggestions. Ambiguity can be pleasant or unpleasant, when unpleasant it signifies hiding places or evasion. And most have had enough of evasion. What I’d hoped to do here was switch from the the observation “They were quick and smart” to the old man commenting aloud “smarter than my son”, then going back into his thoughts. Though I can see there is doubt about whose observation “They were quick and smart” actually is. I’d hoped to use indents for the spoken word instead of quote marks. The crows in the trees behind him started up calling to each other across the trees. They were quick and smart smarter than my son he said aloud to no one he got a girl pregnant then left her but he’d done that himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 smarter than my son I often use italics for speech P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poemme Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 Yes, good idea, and so obvious now that you mention it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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